Broken but Free

         "Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't." - Steve Maraboli

        As a chronic worrier, I think about every possible situation in my head. With Type 1 Diabetes on board, the amount of possible scenarios are endless. Will I be high? Will I be low? Will I be stable overnight? How will my BG react in unusual situations? These questions are seemingly always rolling through my head. I want to control something that cannot be tamed. It's like trying to keep a wild lion contained in a zoo, when you offer it food it will behave but before long it will be trying to escape. You can make it happy in the short term, but not forever. I am very proactive in keeping up with my diabetes, and always have plans of actions to deal with any BG obstacles that come my way. But sometimes the wild lion will rear its ugly head.

      I went to bed on Christmas eve eve excited for the coming days of Christmas magic. At 10:30pm that evening, my BG was a stable 158 with no active insulin. I fell asleep thinking of all the little jobs that needed to be completed the next morning. After that my memories seize for a while. My family was up and about quite early that morning prepping food for the day's events. I never like to miss a beat and am a major morning person. When my mom realized I had not come out to join them by 8:35 am, she came into my room to say hello and was greeted with moans coming from the top bunk of my loft bed. After several minutes the situation remained unchanged so she proceeded to check my BG but I would not hold still tossing and turning in all directions. These behaviors screamed low BG so she moved on to getting sugar into my body, but my mouth was clenched shut. In the emotion of the moment the idea of giving a glucagon shot was forgotten and 911 was called. 

       In a flash, the paramedics arrived. Their first goal was to move me from my loft bed to my parents room so they could have space to work. Once my unconscious body was comfortably on my parents bed, they held down my squirmy body long enough to get a BG reading of 33 at 8:59 am. Next their attention turned to getting my BG back up. Rubbing glucose gel on my gums was immediately ruled out because of my clenched jaw so a sugar IV was the next best option. It took several tries to obtain an IV in my minuscule veins but after more than 5 painfully long minutes they found success and I slowly began to come back to life. I remember slowly opening and closing my eyes to a vast crowd of people and serious conversation. I did not understand where I was and why I was there. Once my eyes began to focus, I was told I had a low BG but at first it didn't register. I was in a world of drowsiness from the IV meds. My first request was to go visit my best friend. At that moment, my mom knew I would be ok. By 9:20am, my BG was up to 208. The rest of Christmas eve was a bit out of the ordinary. I spent the day on the couch watching Christmas movies with an upset stomach from the IV sugar concoction while loading up on carbs to keep the BG up. My wonderful endocrinology team was just a phone call away to lend a hand and the evening ended around the Christmas tree surrounded by my wonderful family with a very thankful heart. 

         With this scare, I have taken time to reevaluate. This major BG drop could have been caused by the vast temperature changes that were occurring at the time and holiday stress. But with Diabetes there does not have to be a reason. Looking back there is no extra precautions that could have been taken. Sometimes it's just the perfect storm and things happen. I check my BG an adequate number of times per day, eat carb balanced meals, have an acceptable A1C, and am aware of how my body feels. There is no way to guarantee these events will not happen and a person cannot control all situations so I have committed myself to focus on what I can control.
          In the past one of my biggest fears was not waking up in the morning, a common fear for many diabetics. I have now had that kind of experience. I know that God will always be there to protect me and he was watching over me that morning. Worrying about the future will not help me in the present. Positive thoughts are the best medicine. Each day is a gift that should not be wasted on worry. My pancreas may be broken but my life is not. I am free. Living each moment and finding joy in every day.